An IBCLC’s Thoughts on “Don’t Offer Don’t Refuse” For Weaning
I have heard this approach to weaning recommended as a more “gentle” alternative than cold turkey weaning. I don’t recommend it and here is why:
Let’s start with the first recommendation: don’t offer. What if the timing is ideal for a parent to breastfeed (ex. they are leaving for work and would like to connect, and know that nursing won’t be available later and would like to avoid a pump session)? What if their baby falls and scrapes their knee, and the parent would like to nurse their baby for comfort? Offering to breastfeed when you are giving a wholehearted yes is a reasonable thing to do and doesn’t have to interfere with your goals to gradually wean.
“Don’t refuse” your baby’s request to breastfeed. Where is the parent’s bodily autonomy or consent in the process? How is that modeling honest communication of your needs as a parent? Know that establishing loving, clear, and consistent boundaries around nursing is an opportunity to bring yourself into an authentic relationship with your child. When your child is the only one who gets their needs met at the expense of your own, you will end up exhausted, resentful, and dissatisfied with your life. Saying “no” when you need to and mean it helps your child trust your “yes”. And it teaches and models your child how to assert their own needs as they grow up with love and clarity (and what an important skill this is!).
The nursing relationship is one way to communicate in a relationship out of many other ways and babies can learn new ways of relating to their parents without the breast. But this is best facilitated through relational safety, where each person can show up with honest assertion of their needs.
So no, I don’t find “don’t offer to be refuse” to be an effective strategy for weaning in a way that is both effective and respectful of both you and your baby’s needs.
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